you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
