Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
