A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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