I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
