stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
