Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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