she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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