Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
