you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I love having hate sex.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
