I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
