If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
