I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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