It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
