I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
