low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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