No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
