I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
