I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
