I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
