The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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