Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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