today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
