I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
