im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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