Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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