I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
