Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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