I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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