Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
