made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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