I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
