Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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