Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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