I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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