Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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