Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
