just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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