how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
