I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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