it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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