My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
