I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
