If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
