I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
