Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
