I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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