For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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