I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
