a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
