question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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